Looking Back

The Irwin family was invited to attend a Halloween party at UCSF (the San Francisco hospital where Morgan was airlifted to and stayed for a week after being born). It seemed like the perfect time for such an occasion because now, two years after Morgan’s adventurous arrival into this world, we can confidently say she is healthy.

This is the view of San Francisco from the hospital.

When I received the invitation, I started thinking about that week and that hospital. I have always had a strong desire to put the whole experience into words but every time I’ve tried, it felt too raw to appropriately do it justice. Now I’m ready. The pain is gone and only a grateful heart remains. I want Morgan to know the story.

Daniel wasn’t able to make it to the Halloween event so Morgan and I took a little adventure to San Francisco by ourselves. I was very excited to see the hospital again because UCSF is the base of so many amazing memories and feelings for me.

The Story…

As everyone knows, Morgan bled out while in me and was so low on blood at birth that doctors say it’s a miracle she survived. She was airlifted to UCSF in San Francisco and given two blood transfusions that started in the plane ride over. Luckily, the loss of blood didn’t cause long term damage in Morgan’s body and whatever caused the issue (we still have no idea) doesn’t seem to be a lingering issue. Of course, she had to continue to be hospitalized for a week because doctors needed to evaluate her to make sure there were no other issues. They ended up keeping her longer than expected because of her low white blood cell count. It turns out that is an ongoing issue that doesn’t negatively affect her.



The first year was trying due to the fact that other ailments kept popping up causing Morgan to be seen by many specialists. Procedures were performed and precautions were taken. It was difficult at times because I always had a nagging fear that there was something bigger going on. I thank God every day that it turns out she’s okay.

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I have NEVER before felt the way I did that week after her arrival and I doubt I’ll ever feel the same. It was such a mix of pure joy, fear, uncertainty, shock, exhaustion, and excitement. That time is so vivid for me yet such a blur.

I think the main reason I have such positive memories of UCSF is because this is where I met Morgan for the first time. There is a specific moment that I hold dear to my heart and actually think about often.

Being pregnant and growing a child within you is truly a complex thing. The night after Morgan was taken by c-section and was in San Francisco (I was still in Fresno) I kept waking up and putting my hand to my stomach thinking she was still there. I’d then replay the day’s events in my head and try to again process what had happened. I think the fact that I wasn’t awake during the c-section coupled with the fact that I never got to meet or hold Morgan made me physically, chemically and emotionally confused. When another living thing grows inside you, you have a truly emotional and physical connection with that being. To have it abruptly taken from you and for “it” to be gone for the next couple of days is nothing less than unnatural.

I’m saying all of this to say that I was extremely nervous and excited to meet Morgan for the first time when I arrived in San Francisco. I remember that I stopped in the bathroom for a few minutes on the way up to the NICU to have a quick cry because I didn’t want to bawl the first time holding her.

Something happened the first time I held her that I hadn’t expected. It felt as if I were holding someone else’s baby. I remember looking at her with bewilderment. I remember she was so little and beautiful and remarkable but I felt disconnected. It’s like my body, mind and emotions couldn’t process that she was actually mine. Of course it didn’t help that I was amongst a room full of nurses, doctors, parents and very sick babies. It didn’t help that she had wires coming from everywhere and that I could only hold her a certain way. It didn’t help that I was looking at a nurse who had been taking care of my baby for the last couple of days and she knew every detail about her and I knew absolutely nothing.

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That week, Daniel and I slept on two old, hard waiting room couches in this teeny-tiny waiting room outside of the NICU so that I could get up every couple of hours to try to breastfeed her. I was sleeping on this uncomfortable waiting room couch, IN A WAITING ROOM, only getting a couple of hours of sleep and spending my days walking around a huge hospital and standing for long periods of time right after having a c-section. Add to that, the fact that I begged to be released from the Fresno hospital earlier than most c-section patients so I could get to San Francisco as quick as possible. I was a walking zombie. No sleep, shock and painkillers made that week a whirlwind of memories and emotions for me.

Below is a picture of the waiting room we slept in.

The below picture is another one I took of the room while visiting this weekend.

The room may be small but it has a great view.


One early morning, I think around 5 am, I waddled into the NICU with my pajamas still on to go breast feed Morgan. I had never really been around babies so this whole thing was new for me to begin with, but then try to imagine the fact that I was breastfeeding a baby who was hooked up to wires and I had to do it in a room full of people. I had to have these “personal” moments in front of doctors, nurses, parents and visitors. Anyway, that morning for whatever reason the nurse looked at me and asked if I’d like to go back to where we were sleeping and she’d bring Morgan to me. Shocked, I said yes and went back to the room. Daniel was asleep on the couch across from me when she brought Morgan to me. After the nurse left the room, I was sitting there holding Morgan when these emotions suddenly overcame me. I looked down at this amazingly beautiful baby girl and I was looking at MY DAUGHTER. Those emotions were so real and strong and unmistakable! I finally had my moment and I WILL NEVER FORGET IT!



Another fond memory for me is thinking back to Daniel and me during that week. We didn’t say a whole lot to each other and instead often silently walked hand in hand through the many halls of the hospital. That hand that held my hand was enough. It spoke the words that neither of us had yet.

The hospital itself is absolutely amazing! It is huge and old and in San Francisco. San Francisco is a truly unique city. Without a doubt, I can say there is no other city like it. Its atmosphere, vibe and people are very different. It added to the uniqueness of that week.

The last main memory I have of that hospital and that week was when Morgan was released to go home. Daniel is a humble man of few words. I myself (as you can tell by my blog) am a woman of many words however this day I quietly observed Daniel. We put Morgan in her car seat for the first time in preparation to leave and I figured we’d just head to our car. Daniel, however, had different plans.

He insisted on taking Morgan and showing her off to EVERYONE. He showed her to people who we only briefly dealt with while there. He even insisted that we show her to the financial advisor we spoke with one afternoon regarding the situation. He kept proudly announcing that we were taking her home that day. Everything about him was beaming! I have never seen him like that so I just shut up and let him lead as I quietly observed in amazement. I’ve never even told him what I’m writing right now because I never wanted to embarrass him but I think it’s important that Morgan knows this detail about that week.

I’ll never forget the conversation we had with a man on the elevator as we headed to our car. The man, who was around my father’s age, spoke about his two grown daughters. You could tell he loved them and he talked about the fact that he still had the little beanies they come home from the hospital in. That conversation is why I made a shadow box with Morgan's beanie it it. I thought saving that was a great idea.

Throughout my pregnancy I loved watching the show “Bringing Home Baby”. The show describes the first 48 hours after bringing home a newborn. One highlight of the show for me was the scene where the parents drive the baby home from the hospital. I always noticed how excited and scared the parents seemed and I often contemplated what our ride home would be like. Never did I imagine it would be a 4 hour drive from San Francisco a week after she was born! I remember having that conversation with Daniel during our trip home and I remember stopping at a gas station parking lot to change her diaper and feed her.

What an exciting time! I still remember exactly what it felt like to walk into the house with her and introduce her to Maggie. Oddly enough, I still remember what the house smelled like, felt like and looked like. As I’m sure other parents can attest to, there are no words to quite describe this feeling. I’m so grateful to Morgan for allowing me to experience this precious gift life has to offer, the gift of a child.

Happy (almost) 2nd Birthday Baby!


I took the below pictures this past weekend. Morgan is sitting in front of the NICU door.

This was Morgan's bed. I didn't want to take too many pictures or get too close because there was a baby in the bed. I just have vivid memories of this spot so it was a treat to go back and look at it again.

I'm so glad we went this weekend!